New/Old Obsession

I am an avid reader.  As you can imagine, when I was young I could not wait until school was out so I could spend a good portion of my summer reading.  When I was around 10 or 11, I found a collection of books at the library (remember, this is how we use to get our books pre-electronic era) that I just fell in love with.  They were books on all of the presidents.  I started out with the book on George Washington and read them all up to and including Lyndon B. Johnson.  They did not yet have the books out on Nixon and Ford.  It was so interesting and to this day they still peak my interest.  

I do still love reading about the presidents and their lives before and after the White House. Unfortunately, the books on the presidents after Nixon are filled with sensationalism and politics.  It is hard to find books written just giving you the basics -- not the author's opinion on the president.  I wished I could find those old books, because I would read them again.  

Now, with the influx of all the information you can find online, I have discovered that a lot of the presidential libraries have excellent information and stories on the presidents. I am somewhat partial to stories about George Washington and have visited Mt. Vernon on several occasions.  I guess it is the time period and trying to imagine the start of a new country without all of the modern conveniences of today that interests me.  Of course, my favorite website is George Washington's Mt. Vernon which has a virtual tour of the house.  It is well worth checking out.  I take a "tour" every once in a while to get my Mt. Vernon fix.  

I found another presidential website just by chance when reading an article about Lou Hoover, wife of Herbert Hoover.  First Lady Hoover videoed her time in the White House and has one of the first collections of videos in color at the White House.  Of course, after reading the article, I had to look up the presidential website - Herbert Hoover Presidential Library and Museum.

Interestingly, at Herbert Hoover's museum there are a collection of Rose Wilder Lane's papers.  She was the editor of the "Little House on the Prairie" books, which were written by her mother, Laura Ingalls Wilder.  Lane was one of the first biographers of Herbert Hoover and wrote "The Making of Herbert Hoover" prior to Hoover becoming president.  

There are many more presidential websites out there and I intend to visit them all.  I'll let you know what I find!  

Burning the Flag

Burning of the Flag – while I understand the whole “it’s a freedom of speech” matter, I, personally (please note I said personally) do not agree that it should be.  The United States flag is raised on military bases and government buildings all over the world every day.  It is a symbol of our country, our democracy and our freedom.  The burning of that flag seems disrespectful of all those serving our country or who have served our country.  I don’t understand how it could not be to some.  We lower the flag at half-mast any time there is a tragedy as a sign of respect for the individual(s) who served under that flag or lived under that flag.  We have a statue in Washington showing one of the most famous flag raisings – The Raising of the Flag at Iro Jima.  After the Twin Towers came down, rescue workers raised a flag at Ground Zero to show we were still America and still standing.  We raise the flag at the Olympics identifying who we are and what we represent.  How can flag burning not be disrespectful?  The United States flag is a symbol of our spirit and pride in our country, just as the eagle is a symbol of our strength and freedom.  No, I do not agree with the freedom of speech/it is our right argument over the burning of the flag.  I think there should be some consequences for an American citizen burning it.  How can it be okay for American citizen to burn the flag in protest and everyone claim it is a freedom of speech issue, but when the media shows another country burning our flag and effigies of our political figures, we get all upset and are ready to take action?  If those same individuals were in this country it would be called freedom of speech.  So, no matter what anyone says, this is my opinion: burning the flag is disrespectful and only done so to get attention of the media.  My opinion is MY right and part of MY freedom of speech. 

Oh the irony ....

Many weeks ago, I started writing a blog on office morale.  I did this mainly because our office morale had hit rock bottom. I had decided  to experiment and see what I could do to get some of the good ole morale back. I had drafted out a plan and was about to put it into place. While still finalizing the blog and the plan, I was called into my boss' office and told that I was being laid off due to lack of work. Here, I had worked for this office for 26 years, been through the thick and the thin, and I was being laid off. You can imagine my shock. I knew work was slow, but no cut backs had been instigated, no rules put into place regarding paper usage, the office was still purchasing snacks and drinks for the staff, and no money saving measures were mentioned. In fact, new copiers had just been leased and the office had contracted with a company for coffee and drink services.  So, of course, you can imagine my surprise and hurt.

As the senior employee, the thought that I would be the one let go first should business not pick up never entered my mind. I had specialized skills and was the "go to" person for certain projects.  Obviously, I should not have thought I had job security. 

Hurt and confused, I spent the next day basically curled up in a ball. "26 years" kept going through my mind over and over.  How do you get rid of someone who has worked for you for so long? The biggest hurt was I wasn't even told thank you for all my years of service and loyalty. I was just handed a folder, told I was being laid off due to lack of work and informed that I could go ahead and leave for the day and make arrangements to get my belongings. I think I did okay. I didn't pass out or throw up -- though I felt like I could at any moment. I did not really breakdown until I actually left the office. Oddly, after hearing the news, all I could think about was the fact that I just bought a new car (previously used) and the fact that I would no longer see the people that I were my co-workers.

I was "let go" on a Thursday -- isn't that an odd day of the week to let someone go!  So, I had Friday and the weekend to wallow in self pity.  That's what I did -- at least, that is what I attempted to do, but my family had other ideas. Course, that didn't stop me from crying.  I felt like someone had died! I was going through, and am still going through, all of the grief stages - sadness, denial, anger, etc. That next Monday was really hard.  Imagine waking up at your normal time thinking "oh, it's time to get going and get ready" and then it hits you.  Nope, no work for you! No, you are not wanted or needed there any longer.  Fortunately, the love of my life is a proactive individual and he had made sure I was up and out and working toward getting unemployment and starting my job search. He is a God send!

So, here I am. It has been almost three weeks since I lost my job. I'm still searching. I have had two interviews that I hope are promising. I now get up, get on the computer and start searching the job sites for gainful employment. I'm keeping my hopes up. I am better off than most and I have the most amazing support system. I have to believe the old saying "when one door closes, another one opens." It is hard to keep the optimistic attitude, but I have to believe that God has a plan and he will show me in good time.  I'm hoping He remembers I can be kind of slow interpreting his message. So, prayers to everyone and have a blessed day!

Thought I'd tell you about a book I read. I'm not really into a lot of romances but I do like Nora Roberts.  The book was not by Nora Roberts but was entitled Nora Roberts Land, written by Ava Miles.  It was a stroke of genius because when reading Nora Roberts books my pessimistic mind says that situations like that do not happen and there is no happily ever after.  Now, don't get me wrong. I know Ms. Miles' book is a work of fiction, but the idea that she had with the Meredith on a journey to find out if there is some truth in that happily ever after was pretty smart. I feel sure most women feel that flush of excitement, happiness and calmness like I do when reading those romances and having the knight in shining armor come in and handle all your troubles and sorrows, leaving you with the feeling that you will never have another trouble again - the Ahhhhhhh feeling! Ms. Miles' story (it is a whole series by the way), gives you the Nora Roberts feeling as well, but also pushes you toward the belief that there is such heroes and knights in the world.  I know, I know, it is just another fantasy, but it was a wonderful feeling that I just keep wanting to find.

Ms. Miles' story is funny and I love the characters she created. There is tragedy and suspense in her story as well.  In my instance, I related to Meredith's struggle to try to find herself and get back out in the dating world. Some of her experiences mimicked my own, LOL! I found myself wanting to create an alter ego like "Divorcee Woman"! Not sure about the lingerie though - it sounded a little uncomfortable!

For a good and light read, I urge you to check this book out.  I am about to start the next book in the series, French Roast.  Can't want to jump right in to it! 

Hate It! And Yes I Posted This For a Reason

I haven't posted on my blog in a while. Truthfully, I've had too much I wanted to say and couldn't get my thoughts aligned. I really hate this. I hate the spot I'm in. I hate that I now have the designation of "widow." I hate having everyone watching and waiting to see if I am going to break down or have a mental break (NO, I'm not!). I hate that I miss Jeff. I hate that Jeff died and left me with a mess to clean up. I hate he left me alone. I hate I am having to learn all about myself all over again. I hate that I have to figure out the world as a single person. I hate that I don't belong to anyone anymore. I hate that, once again, I have to be independent instead of having someone to share everything with, the good and the bad. 

It's funny, so many women are striving for their independence in the world, and I want to have someone to help carry my load. Yeah, yeah, I know, I can handle it all and I can do whatever needs to be done or at least figure out a way to get things done. I've always been able to and hopefully always have that means, BUT every once in a while I'd like to lay the load down and have someone else handle it.  Even having my dad help me get rid of Jeff's trucks helped, but in the end, I had to be involved. There are still so much more to be done, all of it my responsibility, and I have no motivation to do it.

I know I am thinking this way because I'm tired.  I don't sleep well these days and it catches up with me. I do have a great family and absolutely wonderful friends who will drop everything to help me and have dropped everything to help me. I get wonderful support and advice from them all and I appreciate it so much. I don't think they realize how much. There is no amount of money that will ever repay everything friends and family have done for me. I am grateful and please forgive my whining. 

Putting thoughts to paper is one way to help deal with various issues you are fighting in your mind. In fact, my Grief Share class encourages you to journal.  Probably not some much in this forum, but, oh well.  I have nothing to hide and at least everyone will know I'm working things out in a healthy way and not moping at home, crying myself to sleep every night or generally not taking care of myself (yes, I'm eating healthy). No, Mom, I am fine and am just working through it all.  I'm not going to break or give up. I have to be allowed to work through it all by myself and figure it all out. Now, while you all may not understand what "it" is, I do know and that is all that matters. Unless you've been through it, you have no idea.

So, to ease every one's mind, I'm okay. I'm fine and I'm doing really well in that Grief Share class. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever lost spouse, child, or any family member. Two classes in and I am already understanding myself a little better.

So, say a little prayer for me as I will for you all and be happy that tomorrow is FRIDAY! :)

My New Normal

So, here I am, back single again.  My husband passed away on August 24th.  This is my new normal: Living my life without the love of my life.  Truthfully, I've done fairly well.  I haven't totally lost it and curled up in a ball and not left my bed for days, though I would like to.  Some part of me will not allow it.  I don't know if I'm headed in that direction or what.  When I think about it, I wonder to myself why I don't just let go.  Why am I not wallowing in self pity, laying in my bed, crying and screaming at the world and God for letting him leave me?  I really do not know and it is all so very confusing.

I'm constantly reading widow websites and blogs looking for some sort of direction.  I've read many stories and it appears that I am not alone in my questions.  Others are looking for the same path. Which way do we go? What do we do? How do we feel happy again? Did this really happen to me?

I found this quote on a blog that fits my thoughts and feelings perfectly:

I remember sitting there in a pile of mush, my heart torn to pieces, and my emotions running the gamut of extreme sadness, terrible anger, and complete dismay. Nothing in this world will ever be as painful for me as that moment. Nothing for me to fix, nothing for me to do, nothing but reality, and a new lifetime of questions and pain.
Surviving that First Year

I know in my mind I will not feel this way forever, but my heart is a different story. I'm not a very patient person and I keep wanting to move on now.  I want to feel better now.  I want my heart not to hurt so much.  I want to be happy right now.  I want to feel like I'm moving forward, not lost and trying to figure out where I go from here.  I've cried, I've prayed and I have researched the Internet for the answers.  Oh yes, I have a goal -- to move from where I live within the next two years -- but will I be doing this alone? How can I accomplish this goal? Where would I even move?  Maybe the goal is too futuristic? Maybe I should make smaller goals that can be completed in a day, week or month? I don't know. That's the problem.  I have always had a goal, always a path or a direction to take.  Now, I feel like I'm starting over.  I feel like the teenager who just graduated from high school who doesn't know where they are going in life, but without the excitement of what lays ahead; what is to come.  How do you get that feeling of anticipation back? 

So, again, I start over.  I found the above blog very helpful; at least it is helping me today.  It is my hope and prayer that it is true. 

I’m here to tell those who are suffering through that first year that you are not alone. You are living with horrific circumstances and it’s not fair and it’s not right. You may feel like you are letting everyone else down, but in reality you are surviving the best way you know how. Forgive yourself for the moments of impatience. Forgive yourself if you don’t have a deep capacity for love. Forgive yourself if all you can do is make sure your home is safe and reasonably healthy.  Your new normal will set in, you will figure this out, and you will survive. The love will return, the desire to thrive will return, and while your life will never be the same, ... you ... will laugh again. 

Apparently, it is a process that has to be lived through. No skipping to the end.  No short cut. No easy fix. I am in the learning phase and I won't graduate until that phase is over and I've learned what I need to.  I can do this.

Blessings - need to remember this

Received this in an email today and needed it as a reminder.  Life has the tendency to get me down and sometimes I forget the many blessings that I do have and only deal in negatives.  This from Joel Osteen reminded me that I should count my blessings daily and to "talk" positive.  Hope it helps you as well.

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live.”

(Deuteronomy 30:19, NKJV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Did you know that with your words you can either bless your future or curse your future? Your words have creative power. If you want to know what your life is going to be like five years from now, just listen to what you’re saying about yourself today! Too many people go around saying, “I’ll never get well.” “I’ll never get out of debt.” “It’s flu season. I’ll probably get it.” “This marriage is never going to last.” Then they wonder why they don’t see things turn around. It’s because they’re calling defeat into their future. They’re calling in mediocrity. Don’t let that be you! When you get up in the morning, no matter how you feel, no matter what things look like, instead of using your words to describe your situation, use your words to change your situation. Make a declaration of faith by saying, “This is going to be a great day. I have God’s favor. He’s directing my steps.” When you do that, you are choosing life and blessing. You are calling in favor, increase and opportunities, and you will move forward in the life of blessing He has for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father, I commit my words to You today. I choose to speak good things over my life and bless my future. Keep me close to You and use me for Your glory in Jesus’ name. Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen