My New Normal

So, here I am, back single again.  My husband passed away on August 24th.  This is my new normal: Living my life without the love of my life.  Truthfully, I've done fairly well.  I haven't totally lost it and curled up in a ball and not left my bed for days, though I would like to.  Some part of me will not allow it.  I don't know if I'm headed in that direction or what.  When I think about it, I wonder to myself why I don't just let go.  Why am I not wallowing in self pity, laying in my bed, crying and screaming at the world and God for letting him leave me?  I really do not know and it is all so very confusing.

I'm constantly reading widow websites and blogs looking for some sort of direction.  I've read many stories and it appears that I am not alone in my questions.  Others are looking for the same path. Which way do we go? What do we do? How do we feel happy again? Did this really happen to me?

I found this quote on a blog that fits my thoughts and feelings perfectly:

I remember sitting there in a pile of mush, my heart torn to pieces, and my emotions running the gamut of extreme sadness, terrible anger, and complete dismay. Nothing in this world will ever be as painful for me as that moment. Nothing for me to fix, nothing for me to do, nothing but reality, and a new lifetime of questions and pain.
Surviving that First Year

I know in my mind I will not feel this way forever, but my heart is a different story. I'm not a very patient person and I keep wanting to move on now.  I want to feel better now.  I want my heart not to hurt so much.  I want to be happy right now.  I want to feel like I'm moving forward, not lost and trying to figure out where I go from here.  I've cried, I've prayed and I have researched the Internet for the answers.  Oh yes, I have a goal -- to move from where I live within the next two years -- but will I be doing this alone? How can I accomplish this goal? Where would I even move?  Maybe the goal is too futuristic? Maybe I should make smaller goals that can be completed in a day, week or month? I don't know. That's the problem.  I have always had a goal, always a path or a direction to take.  Now, I feel like I'm starting over.  I feel like the teenager who just graduated from high school who doesn't know where they are going in life, but without the excitement of what lays ahead; what is to come.  How do you get that feeling of anticipation back? 

So, again, I start over.  I found the above blog very helpful; at least it is helping me today.  It is my hope and prayer that it is true. 

I’m here to tell those who are suffering through that first year that you are not alone. You are living with horrific circumstances and it’s not fair and it’s not right. You may feel like you are letting everyone else down, but in reality you are surviving the best way you know how. Forgive yourself for the moments of impatience. Forgive yourself if you don’t have a deep capacity for love. Forgive yourself if all you can do is make sure your home is safe and reasonably healthy.  Your new normal will set in, you will figure this out, and you will survive. The love will return, the desire to thrive will return, and while your life will never be the same, ... you ... will laugh again. 

Apparently, it is a process that has to be lived through. No skipping to the end.  No short cut. No easy fix. I am in the learning phase and I won't graduate until that phase is over and I've learned what I need to.  I can do this.

Blessings - need to remember this

Received this in an email today and needed it as a reminder.  Life has the tendency to get me down and sometimes I forget the many blessings that I do have and only deal in negatives.  This from Joel Osteen reminded me that I should count my blessings daily and to "talk" positive.  Hope it helps you as well.

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live.”

(Deuteronomy 30:19, NKJV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Did you know that with your words you can either bless your future or curse your future? Your words have creative power. If you want to know what your life is going to be like five years from now, just listen to what you’re saying about yourself today! Too many people go around saying, “I’ll never get well.” “I’ll never get out of debt.” “It’s flu season. I’ll probably get it.” “This marriage is never going to last.” Then they wonder why they don’t see things turn around. It’s because they’re calling defeat into their future. They’re calling in mediocrity. Don’t let that be you! When you get up in the morning, no matter how you feel, no matter what things look like, instead of using your words to describe your situation, use your words to change your situation. Make a declaration of faith by saying, “This is going to be a great day. I have God’s favor. He’s directing my steps.” When you do that, you are choosing life and blessing. You are calling in favor, increase and opportunities, and you will move forward in the life of blessing He has for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father, I commit my words to You today. I choose to speak good things over my life and bless my future. Keep me close to You and use me for Your glory in Jesus’ name. Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen

Reaching a Milestone

This week (June 26, 2014) will mark 25 years that I have worked for the same office.  I started working for the law firm when I was 21 years old; I'm now 46.  A lot has changed in my life during that time period and a lot has changed here at the office.

When I first started working for the firm there were six people working there, including me.  One secretary, a runner (me), two legal assistants and two attorneys. Now we have 16 people working with nine attorneys.

Believe it or not, we also didn't have computers.  We had one processing machine and typewriter, and we used carbon paper!  Anyone remember the onion paper?  We used it too!

We didn't even have a fax machine then either! The copier machine was this big huge monstrosity that I spent a lot of time at.  My duties included copying, delivering, filing, getting mail ready to send out and some answering of phones.  I eventually moved to answering phones full time and filing, from there to secretarial duties and then legal assistant duties.

I have worked in every one of the areas of the office from contracts and real estate to special education. I guess I am well rounded on most legal topics in our office.  Just don't ask me about something that we did previously, because I cannot remember a thing anymore!

Back then, we had an actual library.  You had to pull a book and look things up.  Other attorneys in the area would come to our office to use our library.  There were a couple of other firms that had libraries and luckily they would usually have what we didn't.  Of course, there was the law library, which is still open.

One of the founding attorneys has since retired, though he comes in the office frequently.  The other founding attorney is still going strong.  The firm is 35 years old this year!

I don't know if anyone will remember that my work anniversary is this week.  It is my hope that they at least acknowledge it.  However, as in the past, I doubt it.  So, this is a congratulations to me.  Congratulations on 25 years!

New Read: How to Win Friends and Influence People

I've been reading a new book and found this summary online of some of its teachings that I thought would be of interest.  I highly recommend the book if you have not read it.  There are all sorts of blogs that have been influenced and/or reference his teachings.  All you have to do to find them is "Google" his name or books.  Enjoy!

PRINCIPLES FROM “HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE.”  (by Dale Carnegie *1888-1955* founder of the Carnegie Course)

BECOME A FRIENDLIER PERSON
1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
5. Smile.
6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the most important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
8. Talk in terms of the other person's interest.
9. Make the other person feel important - and do so sincerely.
10 The only way to get the best of an argument is to
 avoid it.

WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
11. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
13. Begin in a friendly way.
14. Get the other person saying, "Yes, yes" immediately.
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
17. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
20. Dramatize your ideas.

BE A LEADER
21. Throw down a challenge.
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
23. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
26. Let the other person save face.
27. Praise the slightest and every improvement. Be "lavish in your praise."
28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

Summary

Biography: Dale Carnegie was born in 1888 in Missouri and was educated at Warrensburg State Teachers College. As a salesman and aspiring actor, he traveled to New York and began teaching communication classes to adults at the YMCA. In 1912, the world famous Carnegie Course was born. He authored several best-sellers, including, “How to win Friends and Influence people”, and “How to stop worrying and start living.” Over 50 million copies of Mr. Carnegie's books have been printed and published in 38 languages. Mr. Carnegie was a prominent lecturer of his day and a sought-after counselor to world leaders. He wrote newspaper columns and had his own daily radio show. Dale Carnegie founded what is today a worldwide network of over 3,000 instructors and offices in more than 70 countries.

Birthday

Okay, so my birthday is tomorrow. I cannot believe I will be 46 years old. I in no way feel my age. Sometimes I hardly feel like an adult!  

Today, I am feeling kind of down. Every year I always put so much emphasis in my birthday and always think "I'm going to do this or that"; one big party weekend. When, in actuality, all I ever do is hang out at home. I then get irritated because I feel like I should be doing something momentous to celebrate my birthday. So, I've felt that way today. However, I am determined to break the cycle. 

I am a truly blessed individual. I got to spend the day with my mom and great aunt yesterday. We went shopping and to lunch. Today, my grandmother called me to let me know she had made me a pound cake for my birthday (she makes the most awesome pound cakes!).  I've passed the morning with my husband, hanging out and watching the French Open -- my fav Nadal won!  Now, the race is on and my favorite race team -though not my fav racer, yet -- is doing well. 

I am blessed!  I have wonderful family and friends and am blessed with a home, transportation, I have a job and wonderful pets and, the best of all, a God that loves me. Guess that is a pretty good birthday present!  

I love the smell of dirt .....

I have been watching with interest the construction taking place on Hwy. 369.  It appears that the 50+ subdivision is expanding to include land across the highway.  Oddly, I find the whole building process fascinating.  At present, they are only clearing the land and prepping for the various lots that people will be able to choose from.  Every day going to and from work I take a glance to see what  progress is being made.

Now, I must tell you, I am a senses girl.  I have always been very aware of smells and sounds in and around me.  A lot of them remind of things from my childhood.  One such example happened yesterday when riding with my husband toward our home.  First off, it was sprinkling rain, which made the world smell like hot, wet asphalt.  Again, oddly, I like the smell!  Then when we drove by the construction site, my senses were assaulted with all sorts of interesting smells -- the sour smell of pine trees that had been chopped up, the moist wet smell of overturned dirt and the fresh sweet smell of disturbed vegetation. 

All of these smells reminded me of when I was younger and I would go to my cousin's house.  They lived off in the country and owned horses, goats, pigs, etc.  Not a real farm, but one that served their basic needs.   There always various smells (some not so good) and sounds.  One of the things my cousin's like to do was play in this big gulley in their backyard.  It really wasn't all that safe because there all sorts of broken bottles and trash which got swept into it when there was a strong rain storm.  I remember many times playing with them in this gulley riding our bikes and having these same smells assault the senses.  We disturbed the ground with our bikes which caused the dirt smell and then the vegetation smell and the smell of the hay field next to the gulley. I was able to share with my husband some of the things we did as a children in that gulley and at my cousin's house. It was nice remembering. 

I realized in that instance that my life had slowed down for just that one moment of remembrance.  We all go about our day in such a rush that we never slow down to take in the smells and sounds around us.  Will I remember the sights, sounds and smells of my life right now, ten years from now?  I will now, because I intend to start paying attention to it.  Yeah, that ringing phone in the office is annoying, but if you listen beyond it you can hear people talking and the hum of the various machines and air conditioning.  These are your memories for the future.  Granted, they are not momentous memories, but they make up who you are and become a part of your life and make you remember that one moment when you were not running the race, but were paying attention to your life at that moment -- living in the moment. 

So, be still, take in your surroundings and open up yourself to the sights, sounds and smells around you!

Google Books & Magazines

Did you know that you can look at old versions of books and magazines through Google?  I have had a great time today go through Life Magazine's first issue from November 1936.  It is truly amazing how the world has changed.  I would suggest you check this nice little extra from Google out.

Life Magazine November 1936