I haven't posted on my blog in a while. Truthfully, I've had too much I wanted to say and couldn't get my thoughts aligned. I really hate this. I hate the spot I'm in. I hate that I now have the designation of "widow." I hate having everyone watching and waiting to see if I am going to break down or have a mental break (NO, I'm not!). I hate that I miss Jeff. I hate that Jeff died and left me with a mess to clean up. I hate he left me alone. I hate I am having to learn all about myself all over again. I hate that I have to figure out the world as a single person. I hate that I don't belong to anyone anymore. I hate that, once again, I have to be independent instead of having someone to share everything with, the good and the bad.
It's funny, so many women are striving for their independence in the world, and I want to have someone to help carry my load. Yeah, yeah, I know, I can handle it all and I can do whatever needs to be done or at least figure out a way to get things done. I've always been able to and hopefully always have that means, BUT every once in a while I'd like to lay the load down and have someone else handle it. Even having my dad help me get rid of Jeff's trucks helped, but in the end, I had to be involved. There are still so much more to be done, all of it my responsibility, and I have no motivation to do it.
I know I am thinking this way because I'm tired. I don't sleep well these days and it catches up with me. I do have a great family and absolutely wonderful friends who will drop everything to help me and have dropped everything to help me. I get wonderful support and advice from them all and I appreciate it so much. I don't think they realize how much. There is no amount of money that will ever repay everything friends and family have done for me. I am grateful and please forgive my whining.
Putting thoughts to paper is one way to help deal with various issues you are fighting in your mind. In fact, my Grief Share class encourages you to journal. Probably not some much in this forum, but, oh well. I have nothing to hide and at least everyone will know I'm working things out in a healthy way and not moping at home, crying myself to sleep every night or generally not taking care of myself (yes, I'm eating healthy). No, Mom, I am fine and am just working through it all. I'm not going to break or give up. I have to be allowed to work through it all by myself and figure it all out. Now, while you all may not understand what "it" is, I do know and that is all that matters. Unless you've been through it, you have no idea.
So, to ease every one's mind, I'm okay. I'm fine and I'm doing really well in that Grief Share class. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever lost spouse, child, or any family member. Two classes in and I am already understanding myself a little better.
So, say a little prayer for me as I will for you all and be happy that tomorrow is FRIDAY! :)
